I studied and I searched. At times joyfully racing down this path, filled with wonder at all I learned, at others cringing back, afraid to move on. A life time of pew sitting in a Southern Baptist Church can fill you will a horrible fear of God and of the Hell you can so easily be cast for any indiscretion.
I feared that God, feared He would destroy me and I would fail him and myself. I feared His wrath because I began to fall in love with a Goddess.
From my person Book of Shadows: Jan 1, 2002 – I performed my first spell in the eve of the new year. It wasn’t scary like I thought it would be. It felt good, natural even and it felt beautiful. It I did not feel like I was reaching into a forbidden zone or calling on dark spirits. It was encouraging and I hope the One God understands.
My sister and her friends have planned to all go on a diet. So we drew a Circle in the carpet, drew a pentacle and took our places. Then I cast a circle with a kitchen knife and we welcomed Father God (When I first started out on this path I had a hard time calling on a God other than Christ. It made me feel somehow like I was cheating or that I was sinning. So in order to not feel like I was dishonoring him, the titles Father God and Mother Earth seemed right. Now I joyfully call upon the God by his many names and the Goddess by hers.)and Mother Earth, the four Elements and the strangest thing was that the quarters in which we each sat corresponded with our Zodiac elements without our conscious knowledge. It was so strange, but so cool. I am encouraged and have already set next Sunday to chant for healing on our friend Marya.
I didn’t ever chant with Marya, though I intended to. By the end of the next week I had begun to fear that perhaps this path I was taking was just my way og rebelling from my religious upbringing. Or a distraction from the divorce I was currently embroiled in. So I shied away from the path my soul wanted to take.
And so it went, a month safely back within the fold of Christianity before the color and magic drew me back and I found myself once again searching the web for more secrets that had always been forbidden to me. The color would come to life and I would seem obsessed, learning all I could, buying books on the subject.
From my personal Book of Shadows: Wicca in a way does ring true. I have always believed in magic and in the energy that runs through everything. I also see the God and the Goddess. There is definitely a male and female aspect to the God in my heart. The God is the father, the protector, the I call to when I am afraid. The Goddess, should she not be the creator, the Earth beneath that was our womb? Why is it that we are taught to believe that God is a He? That the female has no place in the makeup of the divine? After all who is it but the female who creates and carries life in her womb? Why would God show us that it takes both the male and female together to make life, if not to illustrate that together we are created in “Our Image”? Is it not then logical to think that perhaps a male all powerful God was the creation of a male dominated society that treated women like they were lower then livestock? Why is it that when I read the Bible and go to church I hate the sexist god they portray?
I am definitely less hostile in my feelings now, as time has passed to smooth out my convictions, or rather strengthen them inside of me. Some of the passion in my Book of Shadows then was inspired in part by a life time of oppression by overly zealous parents, a marriage that had made me feel bitter toward the male species in general. Some of my beliefs still mirror the ones I wrote so long ago, but I hope that I am much more tolerant now in my thirties then I was directly after my divorce. My Book of Shadows held no censoring, it was pure thought and passion and that is how I present it here now.
From my personal Book of Shadows: The god of the Bible was sexist, cruel and not a god I particularly like. Which makes me feel blasphemous, but I do think that the god of the Old Testament was evil. I mean how can a God who is the “Same yesterday, today and forever” change so drastically between the Old and the New testaments? It’s just not right. I have always been raised to believe in God. But how is it that this god, the god of Christians has provoked all the murder and death in modern history?
In the name of God they have murdered millions. The Christian god provoked the Crusades, the Inquisition, gave men the license to beat and whip their wives, children and slaves. This god, was he just a creation of a male dominated society? Why is it that it stamped out, violently, every religion that was there before it? Did it start as a good and beautiful thing and then become corrupted by men? Why is it that it’s main goal suddenly became the complete domination and oppression of women when in the beginning women could preach and lead equal to men?
Why is it that while raised under this religion I hated my gender? Why have we been taught that women are the weaker sex? Why is it clearly state that we “came” out of men? Women are the creators, we are strong and not by any means weaker. There are women who are physically as strong as men, women are smarter and more emotionally and spiritually powerful if we could just escape from beneath this social stigma.
Question, are men afraid of us? Is that why they have always tried to oppress us? Another question, why has our religion cut us off from the beauty and magic of this world? Why has it separated us from everything? Why are we strangers in our own land? Why are our emotions, spirit and body separate from each other? Why are we no longer balanced? What is wrong with me that I must leave the religion of my youth and seek out a pagan belief?
Am I evil because it looks so good and beautiful to me? Is it simply rebellion from my mother’s teachings? Or is this my true life path? And if I do choose this path as my own, will I ever lose the guilt for abandoning the God of my youth for the God and Goddess of the Earth? My greatest fear is to sin and fall from grace even if I have to continue to tread a path that is not mine. Is the risk worth it? What if I make a mistake?
I am an earth child, a believer in magic and the innate power of magic. One who falls easily into the rule of Wicca, but is that my sin nature I must change and defeat or is that what makes me beautiful and me? Why must there be so much debate to choose my path in life? Part of me is afraid, but my soul cries out for freedom! This religion, this Wicca, calls to me. It always has. But I deny it because it is “Evil”. But to me it shines more beautiful with each thing I learn. I am afraid because it is in me. I am it. I am Wiccan. God forgive me, I am.